I Love Him
by Child of the Muse
Summary: Harry writes a letter to sirius regarding his love life. Written for quidditch fanfiction competition.


**A/N Prompts: Harry writes a letter to Sirius regarding his lover. ****1. (word) lonesome****, ****6. (word) old, ****15. (word) willin****g. AU.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, I'm not J.K. Rowling, and I receive no remuneration off this narrative.**

Sirius,

I want you to know that what you are about to find out isn't your fault so please don't blame yourself. I also want you to know that even if you had been in my life constantly up until now, my decisions would still be completely the same (yes I do know that for sure) and you _still_ wouldn't be able to stop me from feeling what I feel. I also want you to know that I'm not doing this because I'm just lonesome or some rubbish. And I _am_ completely willing. I'll also warn you that if you try to tell me I'm not old enough…well...than that is just the way _you_ look at it.

But you have to understand that will _never _be the way I will look at this. Because when you love someone, it doesn't matter how old you are. The feeling is real. And what I feel is real, Sirius.

Let me start at the beginning.

I've always sympathized with Tom Riddle (Lord Voldemort). We're a lot alike in some ways, actually. We both grew up raised by horrible people that we were forced upon. They didn't love us, they didn't want to take care of us, and they hated us because they were afraid of us. We were both cheated of love, only in a way, I wasn't.

Because on some level, I still remember my mum and I always remembered her. Tom never remembered anyone. And when I came into the wizarding world, the first thing I found out was what my parents had done for me. I was also famous and loved. When Tom came into the wizarding world, no one knew him. He was just a boy with a name everyone else had. He'd always been told he was nothing special and he wanted to prove the world wrong.

Well…he did. He proved them all wrong. Maybe not in the best way, but still in some way.

Years later, he found out he was never adopted because the father had never signed away his rights. So Tom couldn't be adopted and the worst part was that he'd had several offers. Imagine how it must feel to have people come to you and say they love you and want to take you home and take care of you, only to turn around and abandon you. And imagine if this happened not only once, but over and over again?

This was what Tom had to put up with on a daily basis. Not only that, but he was blamed for a lot of things that he didn't do. No one ever gave him the benefit of the doubt.

There were rumors that he tortured other children's animals. But the one torturing the animals was actually a bully with a knack for getting into impossible to reach places. And actually, when he was even younger, he was almost raped several times by the older bullies at the orphanage because they thought he was a freak and deserved to be 'used' like one. So he would use his powers to defend and torture older children that were trying to _rape_ him. And he had to do it because no one ever believed him when he told them the truth. They thought he was lying.

But I saw the memories. And he wasn't lying. He thought the world hated him.

And other than that memory of my mum, I always thought the world hated me too. I always thought I was some freakshow and I _wanted_ to be normal. But more than normal, I wanted to be loved. And I never was until I turned eleven.

Tom was never loved_ a day in his life_. And that is why it's always been said that Voldemort hates love, that he _can't _love. But they have it wrong, Sirius. He can love deeper than anyone I've ever known. It's been love all along that destroyed him. He loved the people that came to rescue them. He reached out and tried to love an old nurse who took care of him, but she died when he was six. He had love and he had hope but those idiots at the orphanage crushed it and they crushed him.

I won't let anyone crush him ever again.

And he won't let anyone crush me.

How do I know this?

When Ron committed suicide, I closed myself off from everyone. You, Ron, Hermione, Dumbledore, the twins, everyone. And you all let me close off. Voldemort was the only one who didn't. He 'kidnapped' me, and 'tortured' me. You know how he tortured me? He made me bathe once a day when I didn't want to get out of bed. He made me eat three times a day when I didn't want to eat. He made me mourn for Ron when I just wanted to forget about it. He didn't let me forget. He promised me that he wouldn't let me become emotionally unhealthy like he had become when his nurse died. And he kept his promise. He would let me cry and than life would go on as normal. He's the only reason that I'm coping with Ron's death.

It's funny because I'm always the one saving everybody and everybody expects me to save them but what about someone saving me? Well, that person turns out to be Voldemort. When I'm with him, I don't _have_ to pretend to be a hero. I don't _have_ to pretend to be anyone's savior. And I'm not with someone who will poison me with love potions or will manipulate me to get into my vaults or wants to date me for my fame. He has plenty of money and fame of his own and he hates the fame just like I do. He gets it! He wants to be known for more than just his acts and power. He wants to be known for his achievements! But no one ever looks at that side of things. Just like they never look at me as anything other than the scarred one. And I know he's not slipping me love potions because it wouldn't make sense. Why would he want to give me a love potion when he could just have one of his followers by simply commanding them?

But regardless, he's chosen _me_ as his consort. We care for each other deeply, he loves me, and that's the end of it.

So now you have two choices.

You can either tell no one about this and we'll keep in contact and you can come visit me from time to time or you can tell the order of the phoenix and I will cut you out from my life completely.

The choice is yours Sirius. Please make the right one because I don't want anything to happen to you. I love you.

But I love him more.

It's not your fault. It's just the truth.

-Harry.


End file.
